Cosmos

Well it happened again!!

I have the same back pain again that I have been having for the past few years. “Luckily” this is the 5th this year it has happened.

One of worst things I have ever experienced. It takes me to my bed. Lie there for a few days before I can recover.

And this time, there wasn't any apparant reason. In all the last instances it has always been that either I sneezed, or was folding the bed sheet, lifting my kid. I always had a reason.

Not this time, there was no reason, last Tuesday suddenly I started feeling stiffness in my neck. Then slowly it radiated towards the back. I in that moment knew, what is coming. Although I did not know what to do. I started moving carefully, not lifting even small things otherwise it would be triggered.

Nevertheless it happened. I am not lying in the sofa breathing controllably otherwise it pains.

Now why is this happening again?

I thought it was due to muscle imbalance. So I started strengthening the pelvis and back muscles. I am even training the deep spine muscles which generally don't need extra training.

I am doing all the IYTW raises to keep a good posture, bought a standing desk now because sitting continuously can also cause these issues. I know muscles get weakend and this cause spasms.

Although even then it should not be so frequent.

Then why?

A new theory I am now understanding is that it may not be a problem of the muscle itself.

I found this documentary All the rage by Dr Sarno.

It argues that the back spasm is not actually the muscles problem but it is a way for your body to tell you to chill.

When you are consistently generating anxiety, taking and coping with stress, your mind becomes tired. Even when you dont feel like it, you are burned out. So your mind wants a break.

“Nothing is wrong with your back; it’s your mind trying to distract you from normal life stress.”

And to be honest, past year has been stressful. Even when I don't like to admit it, the stress of searching for job, thinking about what would I do if I don't get a job. The bigger stress being what would I do if I don't get a job.

It was a good coping mechanism to rely on past experiences or wisdom that there is a plan for you but that's what they were. Coping mechanism. The stress, anxiety was always there.

Even now when there is a job, the stress factor is continued. Along with the normal job stress level, I think I am doing a lot of things at the moment. There are two courses I needed to finish, one practicum presentation. Along with that I am doing the language course. And this all in addition to the normal office tasks, family responsibilities.

One thing has been in the back of my mind for long time: I do not get time for myself. From the moment I wake up, it is taking Akshat to school, then office, bring Akshat back, again office. Post that take kid to the park or go do groceries, and if I do get some time in between, do the home work of the courses, of dutch class or try to squeeze a workout.

The all four burners are running continuously for last few months.

The biggest burner

I haven't told about the biggest burner yet. The stammering. No matter how much I speak and let the stammering not be a big factor in my day to day life, saying it is not a biggest contributor to my anxiety would not be honest.

Every moment I have to speak, it is always the first that how would I manage the stammering. The anxiety related to it is ever present. I do know the ways to cope with it. But as said coping doesn't mean solving.

Maybe this book/documentary would help me finally understand the cause of my back problems.

Although it doesn't explain why it happens all the time in autumn 🍂.